WHORE-O-SCOPEZ

Aries (March 21-April 19)- Just like your astrological sign, the ram, you’ll be ramming all the fine fellas or ladies this month, thanks to Jupiter, who is totally in alignment with your two silky, smooth moons.

Taurus (April 20- May 20) - Due to a botched boob job, your love connections will indeed be slowed this month by intense nipple discharge. Didn’t get a boob job? I guess your parents lied to you about your birthday then…

Gemini (May 21- June 20)- Mars is in place for you this month, ensuring an STD if the necessary precautions are not taken. Remember, abstinence is the best protection!

Cancer (June 21- July 22)- Just like your sign, the crab, be sure to remember this month that these crustaceans belong in the ocean, not in your pants!

Leo (July 23- August 22)- Your significant other will be dumping your desperate booty this week because you’re so freakin’ clingy. Might as well beat ‘em to the chase…

Virgo (August 23- September 22)- Still reppin’ your sign with “virginity” stamped on your forehead? Count on a sleazy Italian man to take that burden away from you this month. Be sure to get tested the by the following Monday.

Libra (September 23- October 22)- Three words: Cosmo Kama Sutra.

Scorpio (October 23- November 21)- Your parents will catch you reading 101 Days of Great Sex at your local Barnes and Noble and never look at you the same way ever again… sucks to be you.

Sagittarius (November 22- December 21)- Don’t go strolling in dark alley ways this month, as Venus ensures that all sexual predators are targeting the Archer…that’s you.

Capricorn (December 22- January 19)- A love connection will hook itself up around the 27, but soon you’ll realize they’re playing you and be forced to tell them they’re straight up buggin’ by the 29. They’ll try and get you back but don’t trip, you know they just like you cuz them jeans fit so tight.

Aquarius (January 20- February 18)- When the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars then peace will guide the planets and love will steer the stars…this is the dawning of the age of Aquarius! Age of Aquarius! Aquarius! Aquarius!


Pisces (February 19- March 20)- You will soon find yourself in an interracial relationship that your grandparents don’t approve. Make sure to remind your grandpa that Jin Wu’s phone ain’t no phone, it’s a Helio, son!