i still hate you, bethany hamilton

Preface: So, last year a couple of my bros and I were going to create an underground newspaper but we got caught by my freshman year history teacher, it was called Sweet Valley High, and that's where all the SVH comes from. It would have been such a fantastic little paper that could... alas, thou art a cruel, cruel man, Mr. Hamilton.


Bethany Hamilton owes her future to the tiger shark that created the remnants of flesh that dangle from her right arm. Yes, this mini mogul seems to the staff of SVH a mini genius for making a career out of a freak accident. During one of our routine Google searches for teenage girls and severed arms we came across 123,000 hits, three of which involved Miss Bethany Hamilton, one of which involved David Hasselhoff (seriously).
While paying homage to Bethany’s website (www.bethanyhamilton.com), we discovered the awful truth that leaves so many mistaken as to Bethany’s situation pre-tiger shark: she was not a professional surfer. Sure, she wanted to be, but Lance Bass wanted to be an astronaut and that just goes to show that sometimes it just doesn’t work out. Well guess what, America? On the morning of October 31st, Bethany had her arm ripped off by a tiger shark… happy Halloween, baby. And from that moment on, she no longer had to dream, for she was of international fame. I think we all remember where we were the day we got the news that a precious thirteen year old blonde had an appendage clipped from her body. Oh, you don’t? Whatever, her sponsors sure as hell do.
That’s right, we said sponsors. Rip Curl, Claire’s, and the Pass It On billboard campaign, among others. And with a book released on October 24th, 2004, appropriately titled Soul Surfer: A True Story of Faith, Family and Fighting to Get Back on the Board Hamilton-heads could read about her life story (which was boring until the part about the shark attack) and then reflect on the tragic event in their Bethany Hamilton Stoked About Life diary; but not before they picked up some Stoked About Life perfume or lip balm, so they can smell just like B! (SVH and B are on a first initial basis).
But it’s not over yet, kids! That crazy Bethany Hamilton still needed to appear on the cover of SG magazine, an episode of ABC Family’s hit show “Switched”, Oprah, The Tonight Show, 20/20, Ellen, People Magazine, Time Magazine, and the mother of all news media: Channel One. (I think we all know if you’ve been interviewed by Seth Doane, you’ve made it). After all that press coverage you’d think we’d be sick of Bethany and want to go back to Nicole Richie and Stavros Niarchos III, but you’d be wrong because someone gave this girl a movie contract! Yes indeed, soon you’ll be able to pay twelve dollars to the Bethany Hamilton empire when you go to see her feature film: Soul Surfer which is said to be a cross between Blue Crush meets Rocky meets Chariots of Fire, and if that doesn’t generate Oscar buzz I don’t know what will. (But just in case you can’t wait that long you can pick up Heart of a Soul Surfer, Bethany’s documentary, before hand.)
Yes, it’s all great that Bethany got back on the board, don’t you forget it (not that you could with all these reminders), but let’s just remember how many people aren’t famous for getting back to what they love after an accident- like climbing back in the boat after your arm gets severed (a la Logan Aldridge, oh you’ve never heard of him?) In fact, SVH is somewhat ashamed to be giving Bethany more attention by allowing you to feast your peepers on this article.
Indeed, Bethany Hamilton can be called a Soul Surfer, but if we were going to be able to pay for college and garner international fame because of a little arm rippage, we’d be frolicking with great whites in a Speedo. And you can say you’d rather have your arm, but let’s all just recall Bethany can now afford to buy your arm if she wants it. Not that she would…that nub puts the sexy in successful.